Apple & Oranges New Installment


It started with a chinchilla named Gizmo and something approximating 500 condoms. Well at least it did if by “it” you mean us: the two amigos, the burger with a side of fries, the sub-legendary duo Mac and Cheese. If by “it” you mean the mountainous lizard currently redecorating the Boston skyline (and I imagine you probably did), then I don’t know what to tell you. I guess sometimes lizards just like to fuck shit up.

But let’s rewind for a second. That’s an archaic term. It means wind the tape back up for those of you joining us after the new millennium. If you’re confused don’t worry about it. What’s important is that Cheese and I were best friends from the very beginning. Of course she wasn’t Cheese back then. Back then she was just Brie, haughty Brie with a penchant for mimosas and shitty homemade guacamole. She was fabulous and wonderful and she annoyed the ever-loving crap out of me.

It went like this:

“Hi, I’m Brie. I guess we’re roommates?”

“Good guess, Brain”


“I got ya. Hey help me with this will you?”

“Ooooh Champagne? Oh do you have any OJ? I love mimosas.”

“Sure, invite yourself to my champagne.”

“Oh I’m sorry…I mean…uh”

“I’m shitting with you”


“I mean I’m fucking with you.”


“Also, Grandmother’s drink mimosas. Grab that bag of condoms will you?”

As you can see, it was love at first sight. Brie and I were thrown together by the gods of the random housing selection process at Boston University. Who were we to stand in the way of fate? So as not to keep you in suspense, I’ll tell you that Cheese DID hand me that bag of condoms.

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